(The first part of this post is a comment of mine that I left over at FreedomandFulfilment.com. The second part is a reflection.)
These days I’ve got the self-talk and negative thoughts pretty much under control. I only talk negatively to myself if it’s constructive. For example, if I actually did something stupid, I’ll say something like, “D you’re such an ass (then as if to look up to the score-judges and say), I’ll allow it.”
I only allow positive negative-talk. Kind of like harsh constructive criticism.
“But sometimes my mind impersonates that person and their voice says something that I think they would say.”
“(If you experience this as well, I would watch out for it, because you can start attributing things to people they never said or never would say, just because you imagine it so convincingly.)”
As soon as I read those I thought about the way I sometimes think about my father (EDIT: I’ve written about this before). I love the guy. He was actually at my place yesterday. He was here in town for a funeral. He stayed the night at my new place. It was great to see him. He’s very supportive.
For some reason I ponder about things I think he would say to me. If I did something I think he would be displeased with I would, “start attributing things to…” him that he, “…never said or never would say.”
Perhaps that comes from my personal history growing up with him. Nothing terribly bad happened. But I do remember in the past the anger I had towards him. I’m sure that’s normal for any guy that grew up with a hard ass for a father.
One of the things that I am learning about myself (through recognising my inner dialogue, and trying to understand it) is that the anger left over from the past, towards my old man, must be forgiven. I’m 31 years old now. I’m constantly reminding myself that my parents did the best they could. And they did a hell of a job.
Being aware of all this has certainly helped me ‘grow up’ a bit. And it all started with recognising, accepting, then dissecting the thoughts in my head.
Cool post Aaron.
There comes a time in a young man’s life where he has to let go and forgive his old man. Barring any actual abuse, you cannot blame your parents for who you are.
Even though almost everything you are has come from them – chromosomes, genetics, environment, language, beliefs, values, habits (good and bad), etc. – you should no longer hold resentment or rage towards them.
Their voices may be echoed in the internal dialogue you have in your head, but that doesn’t mean it’s them.
Your parents were susceptible to the same forces – prenatal, perinatal, and postnatal – that you were exposed to. They didn’t choose their parents and you and I didn’t either.
My mom probably wouldn’t have chosen an alcoholic for a father. And my dad probably wouldn’t have picked a father that ended up hanging himself.
We don’t have a choice of parents. But we do have a choice of controlling our emotions and thoughts about them. The good and bad.
Get a hold of the negative thoughts you have towards your parents. They’re yours and yours alone. Accept them. Learn how to understand them. Live with them. Get rid of them.
Speaking of thoughts, do you have any to share?