A fellow Spherian has contacted me asking for advice. I thought it best to share it on my blog as well.
A couple of things before I get started: I want to make it clear that despite what my blog and twitter account may suggest, I’m not the coolest player on the planet.
Don’t let internet personas fool you into thinking they’re actually authorities on something. I’ve made that mistake before. If someone is claiming to be an expert on dating and relationships, especially if they’re under the age of 30, proceed with caution, screen appropriately and find the ones who do give solid advice.
That being said, if a fellow man comes to me asking for advice, and I have the experience and knowledge to help them, I will. Just keep in mind, I’m no authority and I’m also still learning things.
Without further ado here’s his message with my bold/italicized comments (this post is long, for me, 2000 words. I also added some pics and links so it’s not just a huge wall of text. Scroll all the way down see the recap):
OCT 4 “I got a question for D. You seem on top of your game and well, having spent a year in the pen, I’m a bit rusty.”
-‘top of my game’, thanks, not really, I’m by no means an authority – not a pua, don’t want to be, and have plenty of things to work on, but I’ll do my best to see if I can give you some advice.
“An ex of mine is a masseuse so I was seeing her for some good times, but had to step back because she had some different ideas.”
–I think I know what you mean. Also, recently I had a girl asking me to be exclusive and I said nope (UPDATE Oct. 20 2015: uh, so turns out I said yep.) Also, an ex can be a sure thing, but don’t rely on them. It’ll never be as good as it used to be.
“Anyways so I’d talk gals up but not follow through after getting their number, I was just practicing.”
-Nothing wrong with that, I’ve done the same thing, great idea.
“But it’s a small town and so I can’t do that too much without exhausting the resources”
-It’s good that you don’t want to be known as the guy who approaches all around town. I don’t cold approach women on the streets. I do an online dating site, work or social circle.
“At anyrate, there was a chick in this class I have, and I could tell she was into me. Good looking gal too. So it was her last class and hit her up after class to see if she wanted to hang out sometime. She was super receptive to it, put her number, full name in my phone, asked me a ton of questions. Etc.”
-Getting a number is exciting for a guy, giving a number out can be exciting for a girl. Good job man.
“Well, I called her but no answer, also texted her a week later with no response.”
-I don’t have an issue with calling, I think you waited a reasonable amount of time before texting. Perhaps she didn’t respond because she was nervous or busy, you never know.
“So my thought is either, she’s shaggin someone else, OR she messed up putting her number in my phone”
-“shaggin someone else” that’s very possible. I’ve messed up putting a number in my phone before, it happens.
I guess what I’m asking, is would it be strange if I went to the coffee shop / bakery where she works to talk to her, or should I just keep on other leads? I thought you might have some input. If you don’t it’s cool. And don’t judge me :)”
-No judgement here my friend. That’s what this sphere is all about. As tough as it may be, I wouldn’t recommend going too far out of your way to plan a visit at her place of work. However, if you are out and about, and happen to need some baked goods, drop in and buy something. If you feel comfortable enough perhaps chat a bit and set up a date for sometime soon.
“It’s tough getting into the swing of things right out the gate.”
-It certainly is man, and I commend you for taking the steps necessary and putting yourself out there.
22h 22 hours ago “well, NVM all that. She responded today. Now I gotta decide if I’m going to follow through. Enjoy your football day.”
-“NVM all that” You see, our brains can play tricks on us, it can keep asking questions like, “Will she get back to me?” “Does she like me?” If you are able to fill in the time, in between talking to women, then them not contacting you back doesn’t feel so crummy. That’s the whole abundance vs scarcity thing.
16h 16 hours ago “actually, better question, do broads these days require persistence or since she decided NOT to respond to me earlier, then drop a sorry Ive been crazy busy, I should go silent and MAYBE resurrect a few weeks down the road?”
-“go silent and MAYBE resurrect a few weeks down the road?” That’s not a terrible idea.
-At least some effort must be put in if you want pussy. From my experience if a girl is on the fence about you, persist, but only if you want and only if you will get a decent ROI – return of investment – meaning, is it worth your time, energy and money to pursue this particular woman? If so go for it, if not, don’t.
-There’s this 21yo Vietnamese girl I’ve been sleeping with maybe once a week. She always says she’s busy. But seems to make time to have sex with me. Girls Just Say Things™. Perhaps the girl you’re talking about was actually busy (probably).
-Don’t ‘go silent’ as a reactive negative response to her behavior. Like going silent is in some way your way of ‘sticking it to her’ or ‘teaching her a lesson’. I’ve done that. It does NOT work. You’re at the bottom of her totem pole. So to speak. That’s okay. Woman have men in almost every facet of their lives. But, if you go silent because you actually have other shit going on and other dating leads, totally cool, and if that’s the case, that actually might move you up her totem pole.
16h 16 hours ago “So I erased the first message because I was embarrassed.”
-haha Don’t be. I’ve done that exact same thing a bunch of times. Although you shouldn’t feel embarrassed when sending a text, it’s good that you’re able to sense whether some of your behavior would come off as needy or weird.
“I mean, I called her last thursday and left a message. Texted her yesterday as a feeler. Then I was thinking that it was a wrong number so I sent “this isn’t sara is it?” and that’s when she hit me back with “Hey yea it is! Sorry I’ve been crazy busy. How are you?””
-“Sorry I’ve been crazy busy” is a standard response from someone who hasn’t made the effort to contact you.
8h 8 hours ago “The way I think, is that’s crazy rude not to get back at me, and so it’s mostly a cold sale”
-Yes, it is sometimes. But neither you, me or the Flying Spaghetti Monster in Space can do anything about it. That’s the way of the world for now.
“So I should just move on”
-As crummy as that might feel, that sounds like the best idea.
“But you seem to be knee deep in the social world so perhaps you have some light to shed on the situation. Like I said earlier, I’m super rusty, but would like to not rest on my laurels so to speak.”
-Thanks. To be honest, I think I’ve been in the social world too much lately.
-I understand what you’re saying. You want to get into the game without jeopardizing what you believe in. I’ve been there. I got WAY to sucked up in the pua/game/trp/whatever. Don’t over think things. But I’ll be honest, it’s going to be a rough journey because, you may have to ask yourself some tough questions like, How do you know your ‘laurels’ or honour, are legit? Where did they come from?
-I’m no way suggesting you abandon what you believe in, but I do recommend really criticizing and questioning where some of those came from. The reason I say this is because the fact that you got upset at her for not getting back to you, tells me that there is an expectation you are setting on her. Where did that expectation for her to contact you back ‘in a reasonable time’ come from? Although that expectation seems reasonable to you, it is perfectly normal and acceptable behavior in her eyes to not contact you back. You hardly know each other. You cannot have the same expectations for her as you would a good buddy of yours.
8h 8 hours ago “Dates for context: called on the 23rd texted again this Thursday and yesterday. If you don’t have input it’s cool my brother.”
I’ll throw out a recap so it’s easier for you and I to read:
- Falling back onto old ways and comfortable routines can be nice. But it’ll never be the same again. Exs are exs for a reason.
- Although I’m not a cold approach machine, nor do I want to be nor should you, practicing getting girls’ numbers is a great idea to get into the swing of things, even if you don’t plan on contacting them again.
- It’s quite exciting exchanging numbers with a woman, but don’t think that that excitement, glow and wonderful feeling you get from it will transfer over into a date. You are always starting again after the number. Unless of course she is REALLY into you.
- Only go to her place of work if you need to buy something. Say hello, chat then perhaps try and get a date for that night, or at least soon, so she can’t be “busy” again.
- It’s hard getting into things “right out the gate” but I believe you are doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing – putting yourself out there, trying, failing, learning, asking for advice. Hopefully you (and I) keep that cycle going until you feel good at where you need to be.
- The time in between messaging and talking to woman may be the most important time for you and I. That’s where we cultivate our masculinity with hobbies, hanging out with buddies, working and making small talk with people, not just women, who interest you.
- You must put at least some effort into pursuing women. If it seems worth it for you, keep it up, if not, move on.
- “Sorry I’ve been crazy busy” is THE standard response, whether someone is busy or not. You may think it’s rude to not contact you in a reasonable amount of time, but she doesn’t. That’s the way of the world now.
- Don’t be over-reactive to women not texting back. Perhaps you have high expectations? Where did they come from?
(name), you reaching out to me has been quite humbling. I often forget that I do have some good things to offer. You shouldn’t forget that either.
Take what you need from here and ditch the rest.
To give you some context of my life situation, I didn’t ‘come from nothing’ nor am I a ‘rags to riches’ success story.
I’m a 29yo white male from an upper middle-class family from Canada. I’ve had to work since I was 14yo, and my parents made sure I learned the value of hard work. I’ve got an older brother that gave me a nudge in the right direction. I’m more extroverted than most of the people I know.
So I haven’t exactly had it rough.
Where you’re in your life and the situation you’re in right now regarding women may be a bit different than mine, but we still suffer from the same type of bullshit.
I hope there’s some advice hidden in this wall of text for you to use.
Take care man. Best of luck.-dcl